tales of the mistress

moving to a new home...

2006-08-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

i've been having so much trouble logging into blogger that i found myself a new home...
http://themistress.wordpress.com/

happy reading...

yeah, yeah...i'll update.

2006-08-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

*note* if you are reading this it means you have chosen to do so. therefore, do not flame me for anything written on my blog.

sincerely, the management.

~~~~~~~~~~~
yes, it has been a while since i have posted and so much has happened, much of which i won't get into...

jasmine returned home last wednesday after a long summer hiatus. it is so good to have her home - she is sweet and loving and considerate and helpful. i have missed her so much and it is glad to have my house full again. i didn't realize how empty my house seems when she is gone. she is fairly healthy, although she gets tired easily and is going thru a bit of napping, which we haven't seen her do since she was about 4. she's continuing with the antibiotics for another four months, along with some other herbs. after that, we'll retest. she really went thru the wringer this summer with all the testing. her spots are starting to fade if she is in the sun, which makes it all even more of a mystery...

school started on monday for us both. i am back teaching handwork at her school and also working as a special ed aid for the 5th grade. then there's the two night classes that i signed myself up for... jewelry and autoCAD. hmmm. so much for not being super busy. but the autoCAD i need to start my master's in february and the jewelry... well, i need to do something where i am creative and totally for myself. i'm very excited but it makes for one hell of a long week.

july was fabulous - i had more fun and laughter than i have had in way too long - i loved every minute of it. august, on the other hand, has been a kick in the head. not all of it, but a large part. i'm currently recovering from a blow to the head & soul and a bit of shell shock these days but on the mend and moving on. i have come understand why my mother has been alone for the last 25+ years. relationships are so difficult. i'm tired of trying, tired of crying, tired of the judgement, tired of the rejection and not being enough, tired of that feeling of your heart being ripped out. yeah, i know all that what goes down must come back up - blah, blah... but i'm just not sure that i really want to put myself out there. and to tell you the truth, i am feeling so burnt that it will take me a long time to trust again and hopefully it will come one day. right now, i'm not so hopeful. how's that for optimism.

what i really want to know is why i keep putting myself in situations where my needs just can't get met. i really don't have many but the few that i do have... so maybe a bit of time where i really am alone to think about it all.

on another note, i think i have symptoms of being perimeopausal. everyone is giving me shit and telling me i'm too young at 36. i have so many of the symptoms and have for the last year and a half... i came to the conclusion a few months back that i was done having children. i can't even imagine that will change at this point in my life and there is some serious sadness around that. i loved being pregnant, giving birth, and raising jasmine. and there is a certain emptiness that i feel having made that decision. but the truth is that she will be out of my house (theoretically) within the next 6-8 years. at that point, i'll be somewhere between 43 and 45. that's a huge part of the rest of my life.

so there's my update. (now aren't you sorry you asked me to update, libby?)

been a little out of touch...

2006-03-25T09:21:00.000-07:00

so it has been over a month since i updated (not as long as heidi, i might add). so much has happened, so much.

i write this from a hotel room in philadelphia, at a midwifery conference. as much as being here feeds my soul, i am also feeling disconnected. i feel that a lot these days. disconnected seems to be the theme. from my body, from the earth, from others, from my friends, from my goals, from my dreams... the list is endless. and the disconnect has manafested in shingles in my body.

and the emotional hell in the past few weeks has not helped. i feel like my face is just starting to heal from the scabbing of being dropped from a thousand feet up in the middle of that tornado. i thought it was just a little dirt devil, something so small can't do much harm, eh? so i am here with my heart so sad and feeling wounded. neccesary lesson? yeah, i guess. i just wish that the universe would send me lessons that aren't simular to being hit with a brick.

the article i read the other day, included with the website that i visited - http://www.stopflo.com" - has completely enraged me. women stopping their flow because of inconvenience?! life is fucking inconvenient! to have peace of mind and confidence?! since when did my bleeding lead to me not feeling confident? or disrupt my peace of mind? for complete equality with your male counterpart?! what the hell is that?! complete equality with your male counterpart?! women will never be equal with men in EVERY way - who the fuck wants that anyway? the power that we have to create life they will NEVER have. we have made women's blood something of a sin, a dirty shameful, messy, monthly inconvenience, instead of the blessed event that it really is - and event that should be cherished, revered… the blood that gives way to life, to love, to joy. how can something so powerful, so sacred, become something of an inconvenience?! women all over the world are taught to be ashamed of their blood and chastised for this monthly occurrence, often treated as if they have the plague. could it be that if women gave their blood back to the earth, as was done in ancient cultures, that the violence would lessen?

why have i gotten to a place that i am not cherishing my blood as i once did? i spent many years emptying my blood into a special glass container and at the end of my bleeding, I would take it to the earth and give it back, with a little ritual. why did that stop? is it just another part of my rampant disconnect? where have i broken the bond? the tie? will reconnection with the moon help repair that disconnect? reconnection with my blood, all women's blood, reconnect me with myself and what i yearn for? help me to stop this unconscious attraction to harming myself, not physically but spiritually, emotionally, mentally?

so this completes my ranting session for saturday. tune in next time for more tales...

hit the nail on the head

2006-02-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

i like this weeks better than last...

Imagine that you're a circus acrobat whose specialty is working high in the air. You're skilled at swinging from one trapeze to another. You have utmost confidence in your timing and concentration and grip, so that when you let go of one bar and are flying toward the next, there's no doubt you'll make it. I believe that your life has now brought you to a transition that's metaphorically similar to the moment of being in between trapezes. Don't think too hard as you soar across the abyss; trust your instincts.

uh-oh

2006-02-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

so how is it that i think that i am going to get through all this before May? (LIBBY!!! HELP!)

i sat down this morning and looked at my schedule and my work load - holy fuck!

so i have two IS's, two classes (one WI/UD and one that I am TAing), and finishing my senior project which involves writing this training manual. and emma reminded me that i am also in charge of a small, but rapidly growing human. and i think i am going to catch babies in the midst of this?

the good thing is that once you get old like me, the time goes really fast. actually, i'm not so sure that is always a good thing.

that was a lot of whining. sorry. i think i have a chocolate hangover from yesterday.

know any snake gods or goddesses?

2006-02-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

i think i'm going to write rob and tell him i want a new horoscope. i don't have time for the drama of a snake god/dess...

Happy Valentine Daze, Scorpio! To begin our meditation on love, let's turn our attention to Abhishek Parikh, an Indian man who claims to be the reincarnation of a very special woman. In his present life as well as in his last one, he believes he has served as the wife of the snake god Naagraaj. To perform his wifely duties, he sometimes transforms into a female snake himself, though he always returns to his male human form. I bring this up, Scorpio, because I think that you yourself have the potential of getting intimate with a snake god or snake goddess in the coming weeks. My gut instinct tells me so, and so does my analysis of the astrological omens. You don't have to become the deity's full-time wife or husband; being a part-time companion or apprentice will be just fine.

fucking idiots

2006-02-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

Ok - they have gone too far this time... the anti-abortion fuckheads have put a bill together that would make it illigal not to give the fetus anesthetic when performing an abortion, saying that the fetus feels pain.

so why the fuck, if these people feel so much for the fetus, do they circumcise their sons when they are 24-hours old WITHOUT ANESTHETIC!!! in fact, why the fuck do they circumcise them AT ALL!!!!

and i don't see anyone giving the animals that are skinned for their fur coats or couches given anesthetic before they are killed!

and what about all the side effects that anesthesia has on the newborn when it is not aborted but birthed under epidurals? the fact that then that newborn has to detox from a fucking CAINE drug?!

fucking idiots. i'm going to bed now.

oh bloody hell

2006-02-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

here's Rob's version of my life this week...

"This isn't always the case, Scorpio, but right now you have a certain resemblance to that type of wild iris known as blue-eyed grass. Its stem isn't hardy enough to hold up more than one flower blossom at a time; before a new bloom sprouts, therefore, the old one has to wither. Similarly, you can't and shouldn't try to work on more than a single labor of love, at least for the next week. Devote all your concentration and care to it, ignoring the other possibilities. And don't worry: This narrowing of your focus is a good thing."

does this man live inside my head? *&%$!!!

so the trip to CA was great, in most respects... but now i am faced with the every-looming delema... do i move back to CA and practice midwifery or do i stay here and run this center for a while and do my masters in counseling?

i do feel a bit of schizophrenia coming on...

control freak

2006-01-27T02:09:00.000-07:00

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self," wrote Irish playwright Brendan Francis Behan. Let these words serve as your guiding light in the coming weeks, Scorpio. They should inspire you to be brave enough to confront the feelings of isolation that fester in your depths. That will in turn motivate you to reconnect with the parts of your psyche you were cut off from during times of trauma and unconsciousness in the past. "

so does this mean that all of the triggers of being in the bay area that drive me into such a deep depression will end up being a catalyst for positive change? do tell me this is true...

Another strange dream...

2006-01-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

I was at Andrews house. He lived somewhere different from where he is now but the back yard was filled with dirt that had been shaped into this patterns and miniature hills and valleys. For some reason I had come to pick him up to give him a massage that he had won at an auction. It was very awkward. We were standing at the side of the road with Jasmine, waiting for the bus (I had my car) and there were parts of a manikin laying in the road. A head, hands, feet. They were getting moved around the road, not hit by tires but moved. A car would pass and the head would spin. We were waiting for what seemed like forever. Andrew was talking to Jasmine and trying to make friends with her.

"I don't know why we are waiting for the bus. I have my car," I said and started to walk toward my car. I was packed to leave on a trip and the car was filled to the brim, much like it is now. I began to clean off the front seat for him to ride in as he said that he could sit in the back seat with Jas. But I continued my cleaning. Finally I finished and he got in. Just as he was about to sit down, I saw a long thin piece of a crystal on the seat. He never saw it and he sat on it.

We drove over the little dirt hills and valleys to get out to the road. We passed his truck which was covered with mud so thickly that you couldn't see the license or its original color. There was a child in the driveway who looked like something from Mad Max. He had long hair, torn clothes and a leather jacket and was rooting through the compost pile.

We arrived at my house and I began to set up my table. And then I woke, staring at a large redwood tree...

My own personal quest for authenticity

2006-01-19T23:13:00.000-07:00

In her San Francisco Chronicle column, Leah Garchik reported that a woman shopping at a local Safeway grocery store had heard "Blitzkrieg Bop," a snarling anthem by the Ramones, playing over the loudspeaker. Was it an unfortunate development that besmirched the integrity of the seminal punk band, or a welcome sign that what was once raw rebel squawk is infiltrating the mainstream? You're ready to entertain an analogous question that pertains to your own personal quest for authenticity, Scorpio. Should you compromise a little so as to inject your influence into a setting where it's desperately needed? Or should you remain aloof and pure, content to affect mostly just those who already agree with you?

if i hear one more proverb, i'm going to bust!

2006-01-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

so i'm doing this training for victim services - crisis advocate training - as part of my senior project.... out of the 7 people in the training, 5 of them are embry riddle students that want to be FBI agents. out of those 5, one is the president of the bowling club, one is president of the magic club, and one cannot make a comment without it having to do with saving the victims (in the religious sort of way) or quoting something from the bible. and he really freaks me out - makes me nervous. i'm not so sure that if i were a victim, i would *want* to build a rapport with these guys much less trust them to *be there* for me. it really sucks as i feel so much judgment toward them and i've been working hard to keep my judgments in check. i don't want to talk to them or sit near them - they make me uneasy. and one of them stares at me all the time. blech. maybe they are nice guys. maybe they are going to be helpful to someone. maybe they will learn something. my ego thinks that there is so much more that could be in this training, this is a chance to teach them another way than riddle teaches. i guess i'll just have to make up my own training. so there.

I don't want to do it alone

2005-12-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

why is it that a holiday that is supposed to be filled with cheer makes so many depressed? we spend countless amounts of $$ on random shit that most don't need, run completely hectic for weeks on end, and then collapse after an uncomfortable day with family.

i've stopped celebrating christmas but it's almost impossible in this culture. in an attempt to keep from slitting my wrists, i started to celebrate solstice three years ago. after all, it is much more aligned with my pagan-ish ways. i wanted to get away from this horrible focus on material gifts and the guilt that you haven't done enough but i can't seem to get there. it's just another glimpse at my struggle to find some ritual in my life. but for the last few years, it just seems to be a smaller version of christmas, with the presents and none of the ritual. i think i would be fine with some of the presents as long as they were made or bought with awareness and not just random shit, and finding a way to have it really be a spiritual event. but goddamnit, i can't do it alone. and every year, i hear the guilt - "i thought you were going to have more ritual this year?" or "i really liked the year that we focused more on the spiritual side of it." well then, help me make it happen. don't just sit there on your ass and expect me to do it all.

and then there's the guilt from my father about how i am ruining jasmine's childhood by not celebrating christmas and if i would just come there, she would have piles of presents under the tree and she would see the magic of christmas. so what would she really learn? that is super cool to wake up in the morning to a mound of shit to tear through and then you just feel empty because now you got all that you wanted? but did you really *want* all that?

today i got shown up. her father bought her a bike. he has the $$, i don't. but then again, i guess i am the luckier one. i have her with me, and he doesn't. i gave her some books and clothes and such and he gives her the big ticket item. takes her on the flashy trips. it's like disneyland with him, in some respects. i am so afraid that i will loose her to him because of what he gives her. guess i don't have much faith in what i have to offer her. i mean, i do, but i feel inferior.

today, he spent christmas with his family, including his sister and his nephew, willow. he had a treasure hunt for willow to find his christmas present. it made me sad. that should have been jasmine. why won't he wake the fuck up and realize how much he is missing?

this is turning into a rant and i have no point. just really want a partner in this life and still stuck on the issue of wanting that partner to be jasmine's father. tired of doing this all alone.

the birth of her, the birth of me

2005-12-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

today is jasmine's ninth birthday. nine years ago, i was sitting in a bed, engulfed in pillows and holding my newborn baby girl for the first time - on the outside, that is. so much had shifted, morphed in those nine years.

this morning, she woke up bright and early - 6:30 am. she wanted to have a few minutes to contemplate her life as an eight year old before she turned the corner to nine. at 6:56 we sat on the couch and talked about how her eighth year was for her and what she was hoping for her ninth. she is such an insightful little person. she talked about how difficult the earlier part of this last year and that she just wants to be kind and helpful for her next year.

i told her how blessed I am to have her as a major part of my life. i cannot even begin to imagine what my life would be without her. she is such an amazing little person. now she's off to school for the day. this is the first day that i have not spent the whole day with her. it feels so strange.

here's to another wonderful nine years with you, mina!